Joke from an unknown source

I got this joke in an email from a friend. It definitely deserves to be shared.

I had ambitions of finding a simple, uncomplicated part-time job after finally retiring from my 'day job' after all of those years. So after landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been so instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling at the kids long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just plain ass stupid?' So I politely replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am; I just couldn't believe you actually got laid twice! Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.......

I'd make a Lousy Cult Leader

Because I have Zero Followers.

This is sad

I'm not sure I need to say much about this. It's funny and sad all at the same time. I'll post something that's just funny later.

I need you to take off your clothes

I was a little surprised to hear that phrase from some woman I just met.

You see, I went for a random drug screening for work today. I never really believed these things were random before today. I am unconcerned about the results, because I have been drug free since birth. This was however quite an experience.

I arrived and filled out my paperwork. I knew I would have to pee in a cup, but I had no idea of all the prep work. I was taken to a room where I was told they needed me to take off my clothes including my underwear and socks and put on a hospital robe. I was told once I was done with this I was to step out into the hall. Gee thanks that sounds great.

So I'm out in the hall where I am told to wash my hands. The whole time I've been stripping, robing, and washing my hands I'm thinking please don't be planning on watching me pee (especially since it was really cold today). I'm not really sure I could pee with some strange woman watching me. Luckily I am still unsure if I would be able to do this because she did not follow me into the restroom. Thanks again for the barefoot walk in the restroom, can't wait to get home and take a shower.

After getting dressed I proceeded to the front desk to complete the paperwork where the woman who took my sample and another woman were sitting . I saw a cup of pens on the desk and asked if I could have one. The sampler said yes, and I said "it's only fair after all I gave you something." The other woman started laughing and the sampler looked at me smiling but confused and asked what. The other woman then started laughing even harder and said "his pee". Then they both started laughing and I wished them a good weekend and walked out on a high note.

I'd be really happy to never be drug tested again. It wasn't a great experience, but it did make for a good story. Enjoy and have a good weekend.

Sleeping In

Today I slept in. I realize most people may not consider 6:00 am sleeping in, but for me it is. I am now watching a Veggie Tales with my oldest son. Both of my boys are morning people too. Their mother blames me for their early waking ways. She may never forgive me for this.

I enjoy making breakfast. Breakfast is great because you can have just about anything. It may be grilled, fried, baked, coated in sugar or syrup, filled with chocolate chips, etc. Today it will be blueberry muffins. Tomorrow pancakes or waffles, or maybe funnel cakes.

Now for some stray thoughts (here comes the corn):

I have always wanted to own a Chinese restaurant and have a personalized license plate that read "NO MSG"

I wonder if Tigger owned a topless bar if it would be named "Ta Tas For Now".

If I owned a bar I would name it "Patronize Us".

Why internet corn?

There are a few reasons.

1. I've always had a corny sense of humor and I will no longer hide it. I have decided to embrace it.
   


2. My sister in law got a google hit on her blog from using the words "Thucking Thursday", so I figure internet corn could really bring in the hits. Think about it.
   


3. Hopefully some one will think something I say is funny.
   


4. I also hope this will help explain why my wife spends 90% of our time together looking at me like Nipper looks at a phonograph. For those of you that don't know Nipper is the RCA dog, and a phonograph is an early device for playing records. For any younger readers a record is a disc shaped device used for generating scratching, popping, and cracking sounds that are sometimes interspersed with music. Think of it as a giant CD without the sound quality.