Friday, January 30, 2009

I don't miss dealing with the public

I once worked at Advance Auto Parts and though there are many stories from those days of dealing with the public most of them have faded. The best one I ever saw there is still very clear in my mind. We were all at the counter and it was fairly slow. There was one customer checking out and one guy on the phone. The manager and I were standing side by side discussing some matter of business. We suddenly turned toward the door when we heard a noise so loud we thought some had broken the door off it's hinges. A customer was coming straight toward the manager with a battery. He slammed it down on the counter so hard that I thought I saw the catalog rack bounce. He exclaimed very loudly that this d*mn battery was a piece of sh*t and wanted to know what the h*ll we were going to do about it. The manager was standing there with his hands in his pockets. He calmly rocked back and then forward on his feet and looked down at the battery and said "Well buddy I aint gonna do nothing about it, but if you take it back to Autozone where you bought it they might help you out." At this point everyone in the place was almost rolling on the floor laughing. The guy backed away from the counter and said "what, what, where am I." We let him know he was in Advance Auto Parts and he left without another word.

The moral of the story is if you are going to show your *ss make sure you are at least aiming it at the right people.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Want to feel good about yourself?

Watch the Bachelor. These girls are absolutely crazy. I don't think they are going to be able to find a guy willing to be the next bachelor. I read somewhere that they test each potential contestant for STDs and they have to pass to be on the show, which I am sure is comforting for the Bachelor, since you get no such assurances out in the real world, but it should concern him that they are obviously skipping the psych tests. Or they are picking out all of the ones that fail.

I don't have to wonder why these girls are single. They have known this guy for a few days and they talk about how they are going to be married. They also beg to him to keep them there because he is so special to them. This guy is going to need 8 or ten restraining orders before this show is over. I really hope he doesn't own a rabbit.

I'm surprised they can even hear him speak over the ticking of their biological clocks. Okay, that comment was a little mean, but I'm not the one spreading my desperation all over national TV here. If it makes you feel any better about my mean spirit one of the eliminated girls just said she was going home to use her electric tooth brush and give her puppy big french kisses. Can you believe he let that one go! Oh by the way, she's a dental hygienist. Hygiene, really you're frenching your dog and you are supposed to be concerned about oral hygiene. I hope I don't have any nightmares tonight.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Running out

It would seem that marketing professionals have run out of things to make women feel self conscious about. I base this on the proliferation of deodorant commercials that promise to give you gorgeous underarms. Has any guy ever really nudged his buddy with an elbow and said "check out that girl with the smooth underarms, damn she's hot."

Seriously ladies don't let them get to you. I don't know any guys that care or ever have cared what your underarms look like (as long as they aren't hairy). You have other attributes that keep us distracted enough not to notice. On one final note if you buy into the hype and use these products and get smooth sexy underarms don't get mad if we don't notice. We still love you, we just aren't looking there.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

In a Hurry to Grow Up.

At the breakfast table Carson asked me if I was married. I said yes, I am married to mommy. He said he wanted to be married. I explained to him that he had to be big and go to college and get a job before he could be married. He replied "I have a job I work with my tools downstairs."

It is definitely a recession proof job.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

How about Proof Listening?

While driving home from work I heard a commercial on the radio that went like this:

"Men, lets be honest, do you go more frequently than normal. (I think No) Is your sex drive declining. (I think certainly not) Do you wake up to urinate?" (I think Absolutely and laugh hysterically)

I mean wouldn't it be a much greater problem if I didn't wake up to pee? I'm thinking I don't want their medicine. I'd rather wake up first.