Sunday, December 28, 2008

Silent Sunday

We'll almost silent Sunday.

If you give a man a fish you feed him for a day. If you teach a man to fish you feed him for a lifetime. If you give a toddler a bowl of spaghetti he'll make a nifty hat.

Also, you have to click on the picture for the larger view to truly appreciate the mess he made. Spaghetti, makes any night bath night.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

The Darndest Things

I was holding my 3 year old and I said "I love you Carson Gregory" and he quizzically said "But I'm not in trouble, you called me Carson Gregory?" I wonder why it is so universal that we call our kids by more than one name when they are in trouble. Maybe it's because we can't add the extra words we may feel like adding to what we are saying so we settle for an extra name.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

He has Been Listening to his Mother

I have two boys. One is three and and half years and the other one is 18 months. This morning we were in the basement playing "Dog Pile" where everyone basically jumps on each other and rolls all over. After a while the two little ones bumped heads. I apologized and let them know that it was my fault. The older one then stood up and said "I think this game is a little too dangerous, let's play something else for a while". It was like he was channeling his mother. Now the older one is playing Buzz Lightyear and the little one has the toy vacuum. The reality is that even if we were playing sit still in a padded room some one would still find a way to get hurt eventually. The moral of this story is the game isn't over until you can't stand the pain anymore.

Have fun, get hurt, play something else. Repeat until bedtime.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Penis Talk

Long ago when my child (now three years old) asked "what's that" we decided to not use any euphemisms so we told him that was his penis. He didn't say anything else about it for a while, but lately he talks about his penis a lot.

When I was changing his diaper he starts "Daddy, is that my Penis?" Yes. "Daddy, do I have poop on my Penis? Yes. "Daddy, are you going to wipe my penis?" Yes. "Daddy, do you have a penis?" Yes. "Daddy you're a Penis". I was a little stunned. What exactly should you say when your son calls you a penis. I knew my first response was not appropriate because laughing hysterically would probably not prevent him from calling anyone a penis in the future. So I held the laughter in for a while and told him it was not nice to call people penises. Once I got him off the changing table I went in the other room, shut the door, and laughed it out.

He also likes to point out to his mother that he has a penis and baby has a penis and daddy has a penis, but she does not.

Part two, why I don't change my son's diapers in public anymore.

My son does not like to have his diaper changed, and is sometimes quite uncooperative about it. I was in a family restroom at the mall changing his diaper and when I started to wipe him he got all upset and started saying things like: "Don't wipe my Penis, I don't won't you to touch my Penis, You're hurting me." Then he was squirming so much I thought he was going to fall off of the table so I put on hand on his stomach and he starts saying "Let me go, Let me go, get your hand off of me, don't wipe my penis". By this time I am looking around to see if anyone is in the changing area. I then realized that looking all around might make me look guilty of something. Fourtunately no one happened along to question me. From here on I have done all I can to avoid changing him in public.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Joke from an unknown source

I got this joke in an email from a friend. It definitely deserves to be shared.

I had ambitions of finding a simple, uncomplicated part-time job after finally retiring from my 'day job' after all of those years. So after landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been so instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling at the kids long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just plain ass stupid?' So I politely replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am; I just couldn't believe you actually got laid twice! Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.......

Saturday, November 29, 2008

I'd make a Lousy Cult Leader

Because I have Zero Followers.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

This is sad

I'm not sure I need to say much about this. It's funny and sad all at the same time. I'll post something that's just funny later.

Friday, November 21, 2008

I need you to take off your clothes

I was a little surprised to hear that phrase from some woman I just met.

You see, I went for a random drug screening for work today. I never really believed these things were random before today. I am unconcerned about the results, because I have been drug free since birth. This was however quite an experience.

I arrived and filled out my paperwork. I knew I would have to pee in a cup, but I had no idea of all the prep work. I was taken to a room where I was told they needed me to take off my clothes including my underwear and socks and put on a hospital robe. I was told once I was done with this I was to step out into the hall. Gee thanks that sounds great.

So I'm out in the hall where I am told to wash my hands. The whole time I've been stripping, robing, and washing my hands I'm thinking please don't be planning on watching me pee (especially since it was really cold today). I'm not really sure I could pee with some strange woman watching me. Luckily I am still unsure if I would be able to do this because she did not follow me into the restroom. Thanks again for the barefoot walk in the restroom, can't wait to get home and take a shower.

After getting dressed I proceeded to the front desk to complete the paperwork where the woman who took my sample and another woman were sitting . I saw a cup of pens on the desk and asked if I could have one. The sampler said yes, and I said "it's only fair after all I gave you something." The other woman started laughing and the sampler looked at me smiling but confused and asked what. The other woman then started laughing even harder and said "his pee". Then they both started laughing and I wished them a good weekend and walked out on a high note.

I'd be really happy to never be drug tested again. It wasn't a great experience, but it did make for a good story. Enjoy and have a good weekend.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Sleeping In

Today I slept in. I realize most people may not consider 6:00 am sleeping in, but for me it is. I am now watching a Veggie Tales with my oldest son. Both of my boys are morning people too. Their mother blames me for their early waking ways. She may never forgive me for this.

I enjoy making breakfast. Breakfast is great because you can have just about anything. It may be grilled, fried, baked, coated in sugar or syrup, filled with chocolate chips, etc. Today it will be blueberry muffins. Tomorrow pancakes or waffles, or maybe funnel cakes.

Now for some stray thoughts (here comes the corn):

I have always wanted to own a Chinese restaurant and have a personalized license plate that read "NO MSG"

I wonder if Tigger owned a topless bar if it would be named "Ta Tas For Now".

If I owned a bar I would name it "Patronize Us".

Friday, November 14, 2008

Why internet corn?

There are a few reasons.

  1. I've always had a corny sense of humor and I will no longer hide it. I have decided to embrace it.

  2. My sister in law got a google hit on her blog from using the words "Thucking Thursday", so I figure internet corn could really bring in the hits. Think about it.

  3. Hopefully some one will think something I say is funny.

  4. I also hope this will help explain why my wife spends 90% of our time together looking at me like Nipper looks at a phonograph. For those of you that don't know Nipper is the RCA dog, and a phonograph is an early device for playing records. For any younger readers a record is a disc shaped device used for generating scratching, popping, and cracking sounds that are sometimes interspersed with music. Think of it as a giant CD without the sound quality.